Impostor Syndrome & the Inner Critic

Hi, my name is Michelle and I have Impostor Syndrome! I also have a loud Inner Critic voice that I have named my Inner Bitch. I can hear them in the background demanding to know ‘Who do you think you are, writing a blog? Who is even going to read it? Do you even know what you are talking about? You are going to make a fool of yourself, and everyone is going to realise what an idiot you really are!!’. Does this sound familiar? Do you find yourself at work, or in front of people with an idea or a suggestion and you talk yourself down from speaking out? Do you have your own ‘Inner Bitch’ telling you that you aren’t good enough, or people will think you’re stupid etc?

Impostor Syndrome and your Inner Critic are besties. Inner Critic plants the seeds, and Impostor Syndrome is the plant – a result of planted seeds – or perhaps in this case, weeds. It is a case of cause and effect. But what if I told you that this mega bitch Inner Critic was actually on your side and was just trying to protect you? Yes, I’m serious!

As we grow up through childhood, we develop a set of beliefs about ourselves – we call these our ‘core beliefs’. For some, they have a really great sense of self, are super confident and had the luxury of always having someone encouraging them and championing them. They have a core belief that they are good, capable, and loved. For others, we may not have had these luxuries. There are many influences in life that help us to create this set of core beliefs we each have about ourselves. Family (parents, siblings, extended family), friends, teachers, and other influential people around us, all shape us as we grow. We are like play-doh, all soft and squidgy and prone to collecting dirt and hair as we grow older. I’m sure if we all think back, we can remember someone in our past being quite negative – those memories tend to stick. I recall two teachers at school – Mrs F (textiles) and Mrs H (history) who did not like me – Mrs F called me a ‘creep’ in front of the class when I told her I had not completed my homework yet again (in my defence I am AuDHD and have poor executive function!) and Mrs H regularly shouted at me during class (again, probably due to a lack of homework – the industrial revolution was a snorefest!). These memories burn bright and were incidences that put dents in my soft play-doh developing self. I can think of quite a few other memories like this, how about you?

Back to our Inner Critic being on our side – and a little psycho-education! In Transactional Analysis (one of the theories I use in counselling) it is believed that within each of us we have three ‘Ego States’. A Child, an Adult, and a Parent. The Child is split into two parts – Free Child and Adapted Child, and the Parent is also split into two – the Nurturing Parent, and the Critical Parent (or your Inner Critic/Bitch). The Child parts are based on you as (you guessed it!) your childhood self, and the Parent parts are based on those influential people (mainly parents but include other caregivers too) that you grew up with. The Adult is the part of us that is balanced and responsible etc. Each of these ego states play a valuable part in our lives, for instance, the Free Child being responsible for our playful sense of humour and fun streak, Nurturing Parent being the one responsible for the way we care for and look after our friends / loved ones etc. But what about Critical Parent? What use are they?

A helpful way to look at Critical Parent / Inner Critic / Inner Bitch, is to consider the fact that they are trying to protect us. From what you ask? Well, for me, Inner Bitch kicks off when she fears that I am in some sort of danger – danger of making a fool of myself, or danger of being too exposed in front of others. I’ll be honest with you; I grew up believing I wasn’t good enough. Family, ‘friends’ and teachers all helped me to create this core belief about myself, and having undiagnosed AuDHD didn’t help one bit. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t do things or be like other people. So, I internalised it and (subconsciously) concluded that I wasn’t good enough. Inner Bitch doesn’t want others to judge me and come to that same conclusion, so she gives me grief to try and protect me – she’s going about it completely the wrong way, but her heart is in the right place.

When I said I have Impostor Syndrome, I was honest. I have AuDHD and sometimes I am a hot mess. Inner Bitch likes to question my ability to be an effective counsellor. But I have had therapy, and one thing I learned is that we are all human. I will never be perfect – even without the AuDHD, being neurodivergent adds its own level of difficulty in life. However, just because I have some issues with executive function, doesn’t mean I can’t do my job. I trained hard to do this because I wanted people to know they aren’t alone. I know I am capable of being an effective counsellor despite my Impostor Syndrome.

So, what can you do about your Impostor Syndrome? Well, the first thing to do is question what the fear is behind it all. What is the worst thing that could happen? What are you deeply afraid of? Once you are aware of the fear, you can question it. Would it be so terrible if I made a mistake in front of others? Is it realistic to assume they will think I am a complete waste of space because I said the wrong thing? Do I even really care what others think of me? Why is it important? What do I think of me? These are all really important questions to ask yourself when you encounter Impostor Syndrome. Once you become aware of the fear, you can take steps to address it.

And, regarding that Inner Bitch – thank them. Tell them you appreciate them trying to protect you, but you are human, and it is OK to make mistakes and you are going to be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack. I’ll tell you a secret now – the way to shut that Inner Critic up is not to silence them, it is to turn the volume up on that Nurturing Parent ego state and turn it inwards. The kinder you are to yourself, and the louder that Nurturing Parent part is, the quieter Critical Parent becomes. She doesn’t need to ‘protect’ you as much and you can go about your day in a much more peaceful manner! Try it out, see how you get on.

If you wish to work through any of this is a counselling setting with me, a regular human being that just so happens to be trained in this stuff, please do reach out and we can have a talk about working together on this.